I'm about to watch an E How video on how to express a dogs anal glands. Until now I have paid $15-20 for a vet tech to enjoy this privilege, but my pug has been going nuts scraping his little behind across the bars of his crate and since it is Memorial Day weekend I may not be able to get him in until Tuesday. That is how I came to contemplating this issue. Hmmm.
10:51 pm
This is kids stuff! It would appear you just grab the dog by its tail, reach around the elimination point at 5 and 7 o'clock and give it a little squeeze. A dribble comes out, (I'll pretend it's...mop water. I don't feel like any edible substitution would be tasteful. HA! No pun intended.) I can do this. I've had to handle far more disgusting things in my midwifery background, heck, in my childcare background for that matter! And it's possible I've done something similar with an ex-boyfriend after a night full of margaritas and double strength Jello shots. No biggie.
10:57 pm
Where to do the deed? What if Howard (my dog) has some crazy obscene amount in there and it's like the pea soup scene in The Exorcist, but instead of coming from his spinning head it comes from the other end? Can't have pea soup, I mean mop water ending up on, well, anything I own or have to look at ever again. Hmmm. More things to take into consideration.
11:02 pm
I have vinyl gloves already. I purchased them to wear when I pick up trash that has blown into my yard. The glove factor should make it less disgusting. Howard is sitting on the couch watching me curiously as I snap the gloves on my wrists like scary student doctor at annual pap smear. Crap. I'm not sure I'm ready for this.
11:22 pm
After twenty minutes of staring at Howard and thinking about all the other things I could be doing I snatch up his 30 pounds of fur like a football and perch him on the washing machine which gives me easy access to his backside. I grab his curly tail and look for my target. He's solid black so this takes a minute. I'm not going to lie. I don't even like looking at it, and now I have to... Brace yourself Howard!
11:31 pm
I thought I was in the right place, but maybe not, nothing is coming out. Howard! Hold still! Wait! Wait! Howard has decided to fight the assault and is barking and wiggling, making it really hard for me to keep the fingers of my right hand at 5 and 7 around his poo portal.
11:33 pm
Good heavens! What is that smell? I thought there was one basic vile smell for dog excrement but apparently its more like Skittles- smell the rainbow...
11:36 pm
Traumatized dog in corner licking himself. Traumatized owner in kitchen preparing adult beverage. What! No vodka? After that I need something! Please God don't force me to drink NyQuil or Scope out of desperation!! Whew. There's a beer in the fridge. Now I'm dropped on the couch wondering how groomers and vets do such foul things all day long.
11:38 pm
Hmmm! Did you know there is also an E-How video on neutering? Howard? Howard? Now where did he go???
I'd just like to say, it is more difficult than it sounds. It would work best if someone else was there to hold the dog. It's not their favorite thing.
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