Ammo and Axes- Welcome to My Comfort Zone

Kevlar can be sexy!

Are you running low on pepper spray?  Need more ammo for your automatic weapon? Perhaps you're in the market for the latest styles in kevlar vests;  these are a must have.  After all, what's the point in being bullet proof if some hormonal fashionista decides to hang you for wearing last seasons protective gear?


Where I live these needs are easily met.  Within a mile and a half of my home there are two police supply stores, two shooting ranges, and one massive weapons and ammo store called Dongs.  I love Dongs for so many reasons. Obviously the name is fabulous.  And then there is the building itself- painted like a zebra with a giant zebra mounted on the roof.  A twelve foot chain link fence with curled razor wire slanting from the top surrounds the perimeter. These guys obviously don't mess around.


However, the proximity of this huge collection of lethal weapons to three independent chainsaw sharpeners and one lone bail bondsman really makes me think.  Thought One: Usually retailers invest in real estate that allows them to cater to their primary demographic.  Thought Two: Businesses stay open because there is a demand for their product.  Thought Three: I DO NOT live in a forest. Thought Four: The logical conclusion is that I live in a community composed of poorly supplied police officers who need A LOT of practice firing their weapons, as well as a devoted group of Texas Chainsaw Massacre disciples who are secretly creating re-enactments yet don't anticipate the need for bail.  This makes perfect sense, doesn't it?  

Or maybe it's a north side versus south side thing.  Maybe among the zoning laws, in tiny old English print there is some amendment that reads "There may be no more than one fire arm purveyor per five square miles anywhere south of Admiral."  This law, was of course written by someone whose campaign was almost entirely funded by Tulsa's division of the Crips.  (for the sheltered- Crips are a scary gang) Fund raising, armed robbery.  Tomato, tomoto.  You know what I mean.  Firemen are the ones standing at intersections collecting donations in a boot.  Crips are the ones who pull a gun on the fireman, take his boot, and then car jack the hose groupie who is lingering at the intersection.  

Or maybe the landlords who own these properties are being coerced into low rents or kickbacks.  You have to admit, a tenet with a full arsenal from machetes to shotguns COULD induce a person to look the other way. Maybe there is a secret society branch of the NRA with a strategic plan to take over Admiral Street.  Maybe they want to shut down places like Subway (who by the way, has excellent cookies that make great hospital visit gifts) and open places like "Build-A-Bomb," where you go through an assembly line of explosive components and custom make your very own bomb. The bomb of course would have an ID chip in it so that you could find it anywhere in the event that the two of you were separated, and you would leave this enriching, creative experience with a framed photo of you holding your completed bomb and smiling.  Both of these factors also ensuring that, (a) after you take out subversive groups of vegetarians and hippies you get full credit for your work and, (b) the local police department still has time for their doughnuts.